tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
