I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
