She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
