i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I just googled if crying burns calories
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
They took my balls.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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