Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
