filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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