Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
