She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
