I am puke
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize