Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
