after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
