The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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