No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
