i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
