Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
