I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
