I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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