so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Did I show you my penis last night?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Text me some of your sweat
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