Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
