In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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