Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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