I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
