I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
