Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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