WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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