Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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