Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
