if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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