When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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