If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
