My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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