soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
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