i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
