Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
