The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
