i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
