I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Randomize
