shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Send help, water and tortillas.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
