I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
