went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
barbara walters just said penis...
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Your topless pictures make me question reality
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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