The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
