I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Having a random hookup so left but love u
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
