im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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