Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
