Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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