capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
