I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize