im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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