You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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