I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
