Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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