i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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