She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
