I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
