Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
