Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
