6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
